You'll Never Take Me Alive, Coppers!

This morning during my daily "lie in bed and listen to the minutes tick past thinking about how I'm going to be late to work again today" wakeup, I heard 2 big thuds. Was that the door? Eh, just ignore it, it will go away. Then again. And again. Finally I got up, and looked out the front window to see a police car in front of my house. Maybe I should get that? I opened the door to see two police officers. One was a very young, very handsome black man with a huge smile on his face, the other was an older surly white man who may have been attempting to channel Elliot Stabler (it wasn't working).

"Good morning, miss, sorry to wake you. Do you know anyone by the name of John Doe?"

Here was my big chance. I'm an avid watcher of detective shows, and I relentlessly mock all the suspects who fold under interrogation. "Just stick to your story, you idiot!". Now I do NOT in fact know anyone by the name of John Doe, but still, this was my moment to shine.

"Nooooooooo, I don't?" Fuck. I just sounded so guilty.

"Ok miss, here's a picture, do you know this man?"

I looked carefully. "No?"

"Ok, thank you. Do you live here alone?"

"No, I live here with my son and a friend?" Why are all my answers coming out like questions?

"How long have you lived here?"

"Since August?" Jesus Christ, it's a cold hard fact I moved into this house in August, and I even sound like I'm lying about that.

"Ok miss, thanks for your time, sorry again to wake you."

With a mumbled "thank you" and "sorry", I closed the door.

Well, if I ever wondered if I could cut it as a criminal, I think I just found my answer.

Spare Some Change?

There are a lot of hard things about being a single parent. Many of these things are chronicled in various Lifetime Movies, such as money problems, no emotional support, no one to hand the kid off to when you just can't take any more. But nobody ever thinks about the little things. For example:

Last night at 9:30, with the kid supposedly in bed and me in my jammies watching some Sex and the City in bed, ready to crash out for the night, he came wandering into my room with a mouth full of toilet paper. The tooth that had been wiggling for weeks had finally come out. He may be a little old, but still, kids get money when they loose a tooth, no questions asked.

So here it is, after bed time, the house all quiet and turned off, a tooth I owe money for, and me with no cash. What do I do? Do I shove a bunch of coins under his pillow? Do I write him a check or I.O.U.? Maybe some cigarettes.

I got lucky and found a stray dollar, which I know is a little low for the going rate nowdays, but it had to suffice. I'd better take inventory of his teeth and make a stash of emergency dollars, I guess.

Where are the Small Children Fanning Me?

Saturday afternoon manicure/pedicures are fast becoming a ritual. I have a few different places I go, depending on how long I have, how much money I want to spend, or how busy each place is when I want to go. Yesterday, my normal quick in and out choice had over an hour wait, so I moved on to my second choice which is closer to my house and does a better job, but usually takes too long.

The owner is a vietnamese woman who is very friendly, and she employs several sullen and bored hispanic teenage girls. When I walked in, it was completely empty so as usual, the owner jumped all over me. She ushered me into a pedicure chair, shouted at all the girls, and turned on the massage feature of the chair.

The thing about treating myself to a mani/pedi is that I want to turn off and relax for an hour or so. For me, this does not involve being battered by a chair and fawned over by a lady who asks me over and over again, "are you happy?" As soon as she turned her back, I turned off the massage chair, and sat back to start reading as the lucky girl started to work on my feet. But today was apparently going to be different. The owner yelled at one of the other girls to massage my arm, and over my protests she turned the massage chair back on and a very unhappy girl started rubbing lotion on my left arm. While I was still trying to tell her "no, thank you", two other girls joined, one on my other arm and the other on my other foot.

Fine. Maybe I should just try to enjoy this, I thought. I tried to relax into the chair, which was "rubbing" me with such force that my whole body was moving up and down, each limb being attented to by a gum chomping, irritated looking girl. I recognize that I am paying for this, so this feeling that I'm a lazy queen being serviced by ladies in waiting is unfounded. Even so, I found it difficult to let go, and a little weird to lie there staring at the ceiling with all limbs akimbo and the chair rocking me til I felt seasick.

Lucky for me, they keep a movie playing most of the time, so I decided to focus on that. It was The Punisher, which I haven't seen, but certainly seems an odd choice for a day of relaxation and beautification. At least it was something to look at, so I made it through the rest of the experience relatively intact, and with matching toesies and fingers. As I paid, I really struggled with how much to tip. Four girls worked on me, but that's very uncommon and I certainly didn't ask for it. In the end, I tipped more than normal, but still felt that it wasn't enough and that now they hate me.

I'd like to say that I left feeling super relaxed, but in truth, I left in a little pain. Today it's even worse, I have a couple of bruises from the chair rubbing over my bony shoulders, and in some spots, my muscles are quite sore and hurt to the touch.

The things I do to look pretty for you boys...

Sometimes You Just Have to Nerd it Up

Oh sure, I could be out dancing, eating, seeing a movie, drinking, or any number of things. But how am I spending my Saturday evening? Drinking wine and watching a show about solar flares. It's pretty fucking cool.

Later, losers.

Beating Negroes like Hotcakes

I think that may be the funniest line I have ever heard a comedian utter.

The World According to Me

Here's some of my bests:

Best book you should read: (Actually, here are 4).

• Lolita by Nabakov.
• Catch 22 by Joseph Heller.
• Accordion Crimes by E. Annie Proulx.
• Feast of All Saints by Anne Rice.

Best beer to drink: Chimay

Best place to get your nails done: that place by my house.

Best music to listen to on a warm night on your patio with a bottle of wine: Hotel Costes, Volume 9.

Best song to make you smile and remind you that the universe is in order: Cannonball by Damien Rice.

Best cheap wine: Searidge from Safeway. That shit is good, and it's $3!!!

Best horoscope: Freewill Astrology.

Best show to watch: Ugly Betty. It's crazy good, consider me in love.

Best guy to teach you how to talk to women: Jeff Buckley

Best way to wake up: A happy "good morning, starshine" from your favorite little boy.

Best bar to go to at 3 pm on a Saturday afternoon: Chez Nous. Ask anyone.

Best bar that is blue: The Blue Bar.

Best girl to know: Michelle my belle.

Best place to be drinking a beer right now: Right here, on my back porch that is just teeming with contentedness.

Thirty Helens agree!!!

Lovely and Amazing!

Yesterday I had quite possibly the best Saturday ever.

I woke up at a leisurely 9ish am, and had my Saturday morning ritual, namely, sourdough toast, Grape Nut Flakes, blueberry juice in front of the TV watching my tivoed What Not to Wear. Once that was over, I wasn't quite willing to leave the cozy confines of my blanketed couch, so I moved on to Lost. The short little fall season was outrageously disappointing, but they are back in fine form. Enough with the poignant shots of Kate torn between Jack and Sawyer, already! Jack is a whiny bitch and Sawyer's a sexy motherfucker, so go to it! Plus, this episode was entirely about Desmond, and what's not to love about 40 minutes of dreamy scottish brogue? I followed up all this excitement with an uneventful but entirely delightful couple of hours during which I took a bath, sat outside in the beautiful Arizona day, and performed an informal dance recital in my living room.

Feeling it was time to actually leave the house, I treated myself to a manicure, and it was a good one. Sometimes you get a really blah manicure and a bad paint job, but this lady was on top of her game. I then took the next logical step in my perfect day... I went to Target. If there's anything that beats a trip to Target, I couldn't begin to guess what it might be. The only small mar in my day was that I need new sunglasses, and they didn't have any I liked, but still I left with new jeans, new top, and new shoes. *dreamy*. On my way home, I stopped at Sonic for a vanilla coke and some tots. I ate this nutritious meal while catching up on Ugly Betty.

Now for the best part: I made some popcorn on the stove, grabbed a six-pack and some Junior Mints at the store, and went to the drive-in. I LOVE the drive in, but haven't been in at least a year, and have never gone by myself. But it was great! I just kicked back, drank my drink, ate my popcorn (and Junior Mints!) and enjoyed the silence. I saw Hannibal Rising, which was actually an incredibly shitty movie, but who gives a crap? Not me. I didn't stay for the second movie (Blood and Chocolate) because I was getting tired and didn't want to fall asleep at the drive in all by myself. I came home happy as could be, though, and passed right out on my couch.

Best. Day. Ever.

Let's Go!!

Robbie Williams is here, in my very state.

http://www.azcentral.com/ent/celeb/articles/0214robbie-CR.html

You got no love, then you're with the wrong man
It's time to move your body
If you can't get a girl but your best friend can
It's time to move your body.

Sheer brilliance.

A Little Bit of Jacqui for You

It's been a while since I really wrote about anything personal on here, so I thought I'd take today's post to tell you a little bit about me.

I'm a black belt in karate, and working for the city I have to discipline my body. I know that it's demanding to defeat those evil machines, but I know I can beat them. Those evil-natured robots are programmed to destroy us. I've got to be strong to fight them, so I'm taking lots of vitamins. I know that it would be tragic if those evil robots win.

I'm a pretty good friend, too. I will NEVER let those robots eat you.

Anyway, that's all for now, but I feel a little closer to you now, and I hope you feel the same.

Kisses,

Jacqui

Well There's Your Problem!

Tonight I was lucky enough to catch Say Anything on tv. If there's a better romantic hero than John Cusack, I don't know who it is. And I know there's no better romantic quote than this:

"What I really want to do with my life - what I want to do for a living - is I want to be with your daughter. I'm good at it. "

And with that, I started thinking of how many love movies I've seen that have really ruined real life for me and countless other women. For example:

"I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it."

"I have crossed oceans of time to find you"

"If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear. For I've never known completeness like being here, wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Why live life from dream to dream?"

"It's only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are all I am. You are all my reasons."

And the all time killer:

"My angel, my all, my other self,
Why this deep sorrow where necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine? My heart is full of many things to say to you - Ah! -- there are moments when I feel that speech is nothing after all -- cheer up -- remain my true, only treasure, my all as I am yours; the gods must send us the rest: that which shall be best for us. Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. ever thine ever mine ever ours."

Bonus! First to identify them all can be my valentine.

I'm Trying

I knowI'm a big pussy for starting up the blog again and already stopping, so here I go. It feels a little weird to be posting mundane shit when my whole life is up in the air, I guess.

But.

I may be buying a house as early as this weekend. The thought makes me go crazy, my very own house all for me, by me. Here are some things I am excited about:

• My own pink sheets on my own girl bed in my own girl room, sheets and blanket perfectly tucked in so that I may lay flat as a pancake under them.
• Waking up on Saturday mornings and watching 90210 in bed.
• Spending Saturday afternoons with all the windows open, music loud while I do whatever I want.
• An awesome back patio covered in fauna (that I will kill the first week, probably) and cool shit.
• A roman tub that I will take leisurely soaks in late at night after the kid's in bed.
• Stairs.
• Going out to meet friends for Saturday lunches/movies, what-have-yous and coming home to my same house, just like I left it.

Now, to be fair, here are some things I'm scared shitless about:

• Having a stiff neck and no one to rub it.
• Being bored on a Saturday afternoon and no one to talk to.
• Being too tired to make dinner and no one to take over.
• Needing to fix something that I don't know how to fix.
• Bugs.
• Waking up on a Saturday morning and nobody to eat breakfast with.
• Running out of wine in the bath tub and no one to refill me.
• Being a sad bitter lonely old lady living in Kav's retirement home.

These Changes

Ain't changing me, the bold hearted girl I used to be.

Quotes to keep me moving:

Feel no shame for what you are.

I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.

She runs up into the light, surprised. Her arms are open; her mind's eye is.

I am milk.

There is no wrong, there is no right. The circle only has one side.

How about remembering your divinity?

I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found.

Dress yourself in black, listen to The Cure.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride.

Express yourself!

No need to bother now... let it out, let it all begin.

My mind's the same place as it's always been.

Well, those quotes plus astonishing amounts of wine.