How Delightfully Whimsical!

On the way home, I pass through downtown Phoenix. After the part that's nothing but hookers, cheap hotels and used car dealerships, there's the nice part, the part I want to live in.

Today, I spied a very well dressed lady walking her dog. It was a beautiful chocolate colored something or other, maybe a boxer or... something. She was very well dressed in a black deep v-necked dress, a perfectly coiffed low ponytail, a very nice wide-brimmed hat. She was probably in her mid to late fifties, but still looked pretty good (except for the fact that she was not wearing a bra, and... well, she should have been). Then I noticed she was wearing thick, scrunched down, raggedy black socks and no shoes. She wasn't carrying a purse, so she wasn't just carrying her shoes, either. I did a double take, thinking maybe she was homeless, but no, I was right about how nice the dress and hat were, as well as her ponytail perfectly curled behind her. Not to mention the fancy sparkly leash on which she had this lovely groomed, healthy looking dog.

Nope, she was just going for a walk in her socks, that's all. That's pretty fucking cool, for some reason.

Hilarity Ensues

Sometimes, I want to strangle my kid. But most times, he's a never ending source of comedy. Tonight brought not just one, but two gut-busters.

Misheard Lyrics, Part the Billionth:

I always thought the lyrics were, "Buddy you're a young man, hard man, shouting in the street, gonna take on the world some day. You got blood on your face, you big disgrace, waving your banner all over the place". Well tonight, my special child was running all over the house, stomping and clapping, singing with all his might, "waving your bladder all over the place".


The Mints that Took the World by Storm:

Many Thursday nights we watch a movie and just chill, to celebrate the impending Friday. He wanted some candy, so I rustled up some Junior Mints. While I was getting a few things done before the movie started, he busied himself reading the literature on the box about the history of the mints. He seemed to be pretty impressed with what he'd read, and came in to fill me in. After clearing up what year they'd started making them (1949), what company made them (Tootsie Roll), and other pertinent information, he started theorizing on the significance of them. "I bet they really changed the world. I mean, I bet they just came out of nowhere and made a candy like no one had ever seen before, and really, I'm sure that all candy was never the same again. I mean, who ever thought of chocolate and mint before Junior Mints came along?" And the thing is, he's probably right.

You Know What I Hate?

Catching Freebird on the radio, but only catching the end of it.

You know what I like?

Freebird.

Also, I like thunderstorms, but I don't like getting caught in one with no umbrella after I have just taken the time to get all pretty.

PS, whoever "borrowed" my mascara, please return it posthaste, as my lashes are now neither luxuriously thick nor dramatically long. Thanks in advance.

The Hamstercides

Tootsie is the hamster that I got for Robb on his 9th birthday. She was very big for a hamster, and very personable. We always got along well, and I feel like she really liked me, as much as hamsters can be said to like a person.

Of course all three of my cats have always been fascinated with her, but surprisingly, a little scared of her as well. When I took her out of her cage and let her roam around the floor, they would run away from her. On one memorable occasion, I put her in her little plastic ball to run around, and she started chasing one of my cats. He was eating at his dish, and she took aim, barrelled across the room and crashed into him. After he calmed down and started eating again, she made a big circle around the room, came into place, and once again took aim and made a beeline for him much to my amusement and his dismay.

Another night, while sitting and watching a movie, a movement in the corner of my eye caught my attention. There was Tootsie, drinking out of the cats' water bowl. She had apparently chewed a hole in the screen at the top of her cage, pulled herself up and out, tumbled down from the top of the cage which was on top of a dresser, and took herself out for a drink.

Sadly, Tootsie hasn't been doing so well lately. I have known she was getting old and not looking so well, but today she looked like total crap, and finally I saw what I had been afraid of: she had wet tail. Wet tail is the kiss of death in Hamsterland, and when you throw in that she was almost already 3 years old, well, you know this hamster is not meant for this earth any longer.

We watched her for a while, she was really struggling. She has little stairs she has to climb up to get her food and water, and she could barely make it. When she tried to go back down, she sort of just let go and tumbled down to the bottom.

I knew what I had to do, and I talked to Robbie about it and he agreed. But UGH, how to do it? All I could think of was drowning her, but... oh man that would have been awful. My roommate suggested we gas her. He's got all sorts of stuff for his metalwork and welding whatnots, so I put her in a big jar, taped off the top and then he ran some argon into it (I checked, argon is actually a common and preffered method for this sort of thing).

It didn't take long at all, and after she was dead I found a little shoebox for her, wrapped her up in a towell and Robbie and I dug a hole for her in the backyard. He had a mini breakdown (during which he told me he was going to keep living with me forever so he could make sure I wouldn't die, holy shit, not a dry eye in the house at that one), but we got it done, and now he seems to have already forgotten.

I haven't though, I loved my little Tootsie. Sad me :(

Tonight's Math Problem

Me, home alone

+

Me, watching an episode of Six Feet Under in which David is taken around and assaulted by a crazy person for no apparrent reason.

+

My front door open (albeit with the security door locked)

+

My back door open (with only the flimsy screen that doesn't even lock)

+

Some guy running across my front lawn all the sudden

=

Me freaked right the fuck out and not gonna sleep tonight.